For the past couple of years, over on Facebook, I've written a series of posts titled "A Peek into the Intimate Intellectual Life of a Long-Married Couple." No particular schedule, I post them when they happen, and my rule is that they're "99 percent real life." The conversations between Karen and I actually happened--usually on our morning dog walk--but I might buff 'em up a bit to make 'em sparkle.
In any event, I posted the 11th "Peek into the Intimate Intellectual Life of a Long-Married Couple" today, and wanted to consolidate them here before they slip away forever, as is Facebook's nature. Following are eleven peeks:
Peek 1 (Nov. 9, 2020)
Karen and I spent quite a bit of our dog walk this morning discussing whether Wishbone was a crime-solving dog, or a dog who narrated stories in which he just sometimes happened to solve crimes. We're pretty sure it's the latter, but when you're dealing with a talking dog it's hard to find solid ground upon which to base a well-reasoned argument.
This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.
Peek 2 (Nov. 18, 2020)
Karen: What will short kids sit on at Thanksgiving now that nobody has a phone book anymore?
Me: A pillow?
Karen: A pillow is too smooshy.
Me: Two pillows?
Karen: *Looks at me like I'm an idiot and sighs.*
This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.
Peek 3 (Nov. 20, 2020)
A peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple, Part Three:
(Karen and I are walking our dog Riley.)
Me: I read an article that said dogs poop in orientation with magnetic north.
Karen: They face north?
Me: North or south, more than east or west.
Karen: We have to do an experiment.
(Two minutes later, Riley poops.)
Karen: Is that north?
Me: Kinda northwest, I think. Hold on, my phone has a compass app.
Karen:
Me, swiping: I know it's here somewhere.
Karen: The neighbors are wondering what we're doing....
Me: Got it! Son of a gun.
Karen: What?
Me: She's about 4 degrees off of due north.
This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.
Peek 4 (Dec. 7, 2020)
A peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple, Part Four:
Karen and I were comparing our lists of the many things we have to do this week, and I ended mine with "...My wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped."
She was only mildly amused.
This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.
Peek 5 (Feb. 7, 2021)
(Walking the dog this morning, we hear a frog croak in an unusually deep voice.)
Karen: He's got a different accent than the local frogs.
Brian: I don't think he's from around here.
Karen: Just passing through.
Brian: He's a traveling frog.
(Brian hums about 16 bars of the song "Movin' Right Along" from the Muppet Movie, featuring Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear.)
Brian: Bear left.
Karen: Right, frog.
This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.
Peek 6 (March 1, 2021)
A peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple, Part Six:
Karen: I've got the theme to "H.R. Huff 'n Puff" stuck in my head.
Brian: "Pufnstuf."
Karen: What did I say?
Brian: "Huff 'n Puff."
Karen: Like Harry Potter. Hufflepuff.
Brian: H.R. Hufflepuff.
Karen: Maybe that's where J.K. Rowling got the idea.
(Ten minutes later.)
Brian: H.R. Pufnstuf would have fit right in at Hogwarts.
This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.
Peek 7 (May 26, 2021)
A peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple, Part Seven:
(Walking the dog, Karen pulls the leash sharply.)
Me: Jerk.
Karen: Who?
Me: You jerked the leash. The verb, not the noun.
Karen: That wasn't clear.
. . .
Karen: How about "Yank?"
Me: Same problem. It's a verb and a noun.
Karen: "Pull?"
Me: Yeah, but that doesn't capture the motion of a jerk.
. . .
Me: "Tug."
Karen: Noun.
Me: Dammit!
This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.
Peek 8 (June 15, 2021)
A peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple, Part Eight:
(Watching a man mow the grass at our neighborhood park using a speedy standing mower that turns on a dime.)
Me: That must be the best job in the world.
Karen: That's your inner 10-year-old boy talking.
Me: Can you think of a better one?
Karen: Yes. But it might be fun to do once. Or twice.
(Three blocks away, we notice a single leaf of a plant oscillating wildly in an imperceptible breeze.)
Karen: It must be catching the air just right.
Me: But there's no wind.
Karen: It could be a ghost.
Me: Yes, that's logical.
Karen: A ghost whose job is to spin that leaf.
Me: That's a MUCH worse job than cutting grass with a cool riding lawnmower.
This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.
Peek 9 (Sept. 3, 2021)
A peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple, Part Nine:
(Me, checking a mirror as we leave the house): How did I get so old?
Karen (gestures to herself, like "Me too").
Me: Yeah, but together we're almost twice as old.
Karen: Well, there's the dog . . .
Me: If we add her age, that's even worse!
Karen: But she does bring down our average.
Me: Yes! That's exactly the right way to look at it!
Karen: We could get a gerbil . . .
Me: . . . Or an aquarium, with like 20 goldfish! That'd drop our mean age WAY down!
(We walk away feeling pretty good about ourselves.)
This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.
Peek 10 (Nov. 19, 2021)
A peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple, Part Ten:
Dealing with some family business, Karen has been meeting with a bank officer named Con. She just got home from a long and tiring appointment with him.
Me: Did he set up an Individual Retirement Account for you?
Karen (confused): No, that's not why we met.
Me: Because if he did open a particular type of IRA, you know what that would be?
Karen (eyes rolling): What?
Me: The Roth of Con.
She's seeing a divorce lawyer first thing Monday.
This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.
Peek 11 (April 22, 2022)
A Peek into the Intimate Intellectual Life of a Long-Married Couple, Part Eleven:
Me: I got asked to contribute some Fire Story art to a new gallery exhibition in the fall.
Karen: A loan?
Me: No, it'll be with a lot of other people.
Karen: But they're not giving it back?
Me: Of course they'll give it back!
Karen: What?
Me: What?
Karen: I asked if it was a loan and you said "No."
Me: It's not alone, it's with other people.
Karen: A. Loan.
Me: Oh. That's different. Never mind.
True story. This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.
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