The Intellectual Life #27

A Peek into the Intimate Intellectual Life of a Long-Married Couple, Part 27:

Because we were born in the 20th century, Karen and I still subscribe to magazines. The latest issues are stacked on a table in our living room.

We recently had two houseguests from New York City. Now, I always feel a bit like the Country Mouse when these City Mice come to visit. They have very nice apartments in Manhattan and eat 9 p.m. dinners at fancy restaurants. I have a house in the suburbs, where the only restaurants open that late are In-N-Out and Denny's. To compensate, I try to make a good impression.

One of the magazines I subscribe to is The Atlantic, among the last bastions of long-form journalism and prose. It publishes deep-dive articles on politics and history, profiles of noteworthy people, analysis of current events, etc. Because I wanted my guests to know I read substantial magazines full of big ideas by important writers, I put the latest Atlantic, a double-size issue devoted entirely to the American Revolution (extra pompous!), on top of the stack before their arrival.

Passing through the living room later, I saw that it had been supplanted by the latest issue of Karen's Cuisine at Home magazine, featuring a triple-layer cake topped by gingerbread Christmas trees.

This would not do. I quietly reshuffled the stack to showcase The Atlantic.

Passing through later still, I noticed that Cuisine at Home was back on top.

Now I was stuck. I couldn't just move The Atlantic to the top yet again, nor could I admit to Karen just how neurotic, insecure, immature and pathetic I was in trying to show my cosmopolitan friends that I was a smart and cultured Country Mouse. 

I had only one desperate option: I had to sit down and actually read the magazine, in her presence so she'd see me do it, then casually leave it on top of the stack. Fortunately, I hadn't finished it yet, so I put in a solid half hour and then placed it at the summit, satisfied that my ploy had worked.

An hour later, Cuisine at Home was back on top.

Me: "Ahem. I'm surprised you haven't finished reading that Cuisine at Home magazine."

Karen: "I did."

Me: "Then how does it keep ending up on top of The Atlantic?"

Karen: "It has a prettier cover."

That was the moment I knew I was done, all my shallow pretensions a smoldering ruin. My City Mouse friends stayed two nights and had a fine visit, and if they had any opinion about my evident passion for "Very Merry Cakes," they kept it to themselves. 

This has been a peek into the intimate intellectual life of a long-married couple.