Thursday, September 30, 2010

Memo to My Wife

Dear Karen,

Remember when I blogged about that USS Enterprise pizza cutter and jokingly hinted how much I'd enjoy finding one under the Christmas tree?

Remember a few days ago, when I tried to convince you that our next car really should be a refurbished DeLorean, and promised that if you agreed to get one I'd let you be the first to take it up to 88 mph?

Never mind.

I realize now I was being childish and silly. I owe you so much more than that. You deserve a husband who aspires to be more than an arrested adolescent desperately clinging to the nostalgic fantasy icons of his youth as he lurches uneasily into middle age. I'm sorry. I'll try to be a better man.
A better man who just found out that DC Comics has licensed a company called Fiberglass Freaks to build modern, street-legal reproductions of the Adam West Batmobile! Complete with real flames blasting from the rocket exhaust! And they only cost $150,000! Woo-hooooo!

Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Come on, baby, let's go for a spin! I'll let you pull the lever that releases the Bat-parachutes!

Love, Brian


Brian Fies said...

I just want to note here that "pull the lever that releases the Bat-parachutes" is not a euphemism. Although it could be.

Jim O'Kane said...

Brian, no. You need to think of your family - - of their safety. Who will be there while you're out battling the "monsters" of our day?

You need a B-9 robot.


Best of all, they're only $24,500.
"A real bargain," to quote another android.

Brian Fies said...

It's a good thought, Jim, but all the Robot does is wave its arms around and warn you of "Danger! Danger!" Sitting behind the wheel of the Batmobile lets you do something about it.

ronnie said...

Don't you ever contact my husband again.

Walter Underwood said...

My favorite moment in Juno is when her water breaks and she says "Thundercats are GO!".

Anonymous said...

Oh Holy Sh*t Batman! Ka-Pow!!

Brian Fies said...

Ronnie, too late. He's already in for half. You guys get it between October and April; snow tires not included.

Walter, I remember that line. Good stuff.

Anonymous, no poet has ever spoken more truthfully. Ka-Pow indeed.

Danger Boy said...

I bet you'd get lots of hot chicks with those wheels. Even if you look like the geeks they show driving the thing.

ronnie said...


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